New iPhones? Ooh…

I mentioned on Facebook: my poor little iPhone 5S camera died earlier this year.  The phone itself works, no cracks in the screen or other damage beyond cosmetic, but I’m pretty sure the cats played “Let’s knock things on the floor” with it, because one day it worked, the next it didn’t.  And since I put it on my nightstand when I went to sleep and it was on the floor when I awoke, I don’t think I’m too far-fetched in my assumption.

I could’ve dusted for paw-prints, but after Feline CSI, then what?  Cats get punished, human gets retribution via hairballs-in-the-shoes, soon enough it escalates into a living nightmare where cybernetic zombie monkey armies are hunting down sentients for the battery banks and atheistic anarchic road-warriors are raping and pillaging in the streets, all while the inhuman chthonic eye-moon watches balefully as civilization collapses.

It’s just a phone, people.  It’s not that important!

But it is….

I did google “iPhone Camera app stays black” and alternatives up, down, and sideways, and apparently it’s not that uncommon for the cameras to become unhoused inside, especially if dropped.  Ironically, most articles suggested trying to drop it to reseat it.  I smacked it around a little, not too roughly, just “love taps”, really, but it didn’t respond for the better or the worse.

So, I’ve been without instant-picture-taking-gratification for a few months.

And it’s been hard.

I didn’t think I had come to rely on my camera, but without having it, I realized it had replaced my short-term memory and my attention to detail regarding anything.

Where did I catch the bus?  Snap a pic.  What time did that happen?  Snap a pic of a clock nearby.  What did that note say?  Snap a pic.

I’m beginning to believe that we are, quite possibly, crippling ourselves with all this technology.  If not crippling, then at least making ourselves ripe for the conquering.  (Cue the chthonic moon-eye…)

So, I was pleased when I found out the new iPhones were announced.

I mean, everyone kinda knew that they would be announced.  The last couple of Great Things™ Apple has announced had nothing to do with iPhones, so they were due.

Most of it seems pretty blasé, but they’re “S” models.  “S” for…  Subsequent…?  Superior…?  Second-revision…?  They always do new models every even year and revisions every other year.  Which is why I will not get a new phone every year.  I will continue to hold out for every other year, on the revision year.

But one feature seems gimmicky.  “3D touch”…?  What?  You’re giving me the ability to reach through the screen and into the phone?  It seems more like 2.5D – plus time.  Which they already had.  Except it appears to have more triggers for OS and app functionality…  Well, that may be a time-will-tell.

But the 12 megapixel camera is a great big “ABOUT TIME, APPLE!”  They do need to work on the auto-balance feature, or at least give me a slider to override it.  I mean, just about every phone out there can take pictures of the moon at night.  Ever try to do that with an iPhone?  Can you say “white blob”?  This may be a more resolute white blob, BUT IT WILL HAVE MORE PIXELS!  Ermagerd!

The longer battery life, too—even though your promises for the 5S didn’t pan out, they weren’t horrible.  If I get the same under-promises-but-still-increased numbers for the 6S, (or maybe even the 6S plus, but I doubt it,) I’ll have enough juice to get me through the day.

And 128 GB is a nice boost.  I’ve managed to fill the 64GB 5S up to the gills a couple of times; having double that would get me another four or five months before I was agonizing over what to delete to clear space.

And I would like to have Apple Pay.  Just about every bank out there supports it, now.  Given the fact that we’re the only “advanced” country on earth that doesn’t have card-based advanced encryption for POS purchases, I kinda think I want this.  Considering I’ve had my check card reissued three times in the past year, kinda sorta want this.

Oh, and there’s a barometer.  Seriously.  A barometer.  HOW COULD I LIVE WITHOUT THIS???/?/??question?

The only thing that’s got me a little grumpy is the increase in price.  I mean, a new phone without contract costs as much as a decent work laptop.

It just seems to feed into the long-term contract pattern.  In years past, feeding into the contract pattern didn’t bother me as much, until AT&T pulled a few tricks on me.  Now I’d like to have that ability to escape early without having to pay through the nose, be it at the time I leave or up-front.

And the “new phone every year” plan – doesn’t that just seem like someone really, really wants to increase sales numbers?

Since phones don’t hit the shelves until September 25th, I’ve got some time to save my moneys.

I wonder if they’ll do the trade in, again?  I was able to get a couple of dollars last time when I traded in.

Anyway, the stats Apple puts out there tell the story.  Every other website out there just wants to jump up and down like a monkey that just discovered how to use a stick to knock down bananas, completely missing the point.  Or these sites want to wax philosophical about the deeper meanings behind the color scheme or the change in manufacturing materials or something equally nonsensical.  Just as they always do.  Apple is making the phone solid, not going gonzo:

Alright.  I think I’ma go watch a horror flick and then sleepybyetime.

Thanks for reading, readers.